2014

End it was the end.

Love, all forms of it....

I experienced pain as my lover, experienced a dosis of sadness. the sadness i got from people during time and the sadness i have made for myself. I fell in love with the wrong people, with my best friends, with the place I was living in, with the community that surrounded me, with a guy who had funny ways of showing that he loved me too. And I learned how love fucks you up. too much of love that gives you nothing but takes all you have. I have filled pages and pages with words that spill from my mind when I think about the people that are now gone from my life. I thought I was good at goodbyes, but I was wrong. I thought I was capable of replacing people, but I am not. 

These are the memories that I write about, mostly about the feelings. i write it again and again, so that I will never forget them.

Love never fell like home to me. i never fell really fixed. i remember all about it. and the endless tears, love is dangerous, it got the power to break you down in million peaces.

love is a lot of letting go. it's letting go yourself. It’s something i question almost everyday. how could i have done that to myself?

i'm over it now. i moved on. i don't hang with the same people anymore, i don't go out like i used to, and i don't trust people in general.

but still. all these feelings. i can't forget it. and to be honest it still hurts. and all that pain turns to fear. i'm afraid of messing up again. i'm afraid of getting hurt. and the most thing i fear is to know that the protection i have made for myself is still not strong enough. i have no idea how to live with this, it's hard to believe that my heart never got fixed. hard to admit that it might get even worse.

29.3.2014

I remember when he said i am one of the kind that never leaves. it's funny to know how he trusted me, he trusted me blindly but still he would not let anyone get close to me, probably i was not one of the hoes he fucked before.

so thats the only reason i would have to be clean to fill up his satisfaction and make him proud. but yeah, i was seventeen and he was my first lover. i was an innocent dreamer believing in all his words. he still says i would have been the one, the one he would spend all his life with. and i said, i will stay. i promised i will stay, he locked me in, i was locked in his house for more than two weeks. who does that? i left him. i left him and i was free. even i broke the promise, i swear to god i will never regret. so now, who ever trust me, who ever thinks i will stay. believe me, you have no idea where i am from. i have felt pain before and i could handle a lot. but i won't do this twice.

21.03.14

It was the waiting late in the night.

out in the cold and silence. it was the waiting for something you don't know it's coming or when, it was being ready for any moment that could happen any time,

and there was it, the feeling of disappoint trying to hide behind hope, the feeling of failing and sadness. and even the feeling of emtpyness. and still the patience that felt much more like a challenge. it was like two different worlds trying to meet up in a different time.

it was like fate written by god. 

after hours and hours i finally got to hear his voice saying he'll be there. so there was... the last waiting with a bunch of questions in my mind and all the different feelings. and there it was... his eyes that met mine, his arms around me, and his voice again that felt new and even strange.

i cant explain how i felt, but i knew the strangeness between us was only temporary, everything was only temporary. so. there it was, driving to his home with the silence again in my mind, everything looked so dark, and cold, and empty outside but i could see the the different lights everywhere and it was getting brighter, the sky was slowly turning to violet and then to blue. i was still trying to realise that this is really all happening. there i was at his home... there was so many new pictures in my mind, like when you read a book and then you finally get to see the movie. it was exited and new.  I have been missing him so much and there he was, now just me and him alone. 

being close to him, laying next to him, the first touch, seing his smile for the first time live in front of me. it felt like a dream, i didnt realise this was really happening. so there we've been, laying down in each others arm, i was tired of the night but next to him i was wide awake trying to figure out how this feels like with closed eyes. moving myself slowly, closer to him. , i could feel his heart beat, beating fastly and loud. i could hear his breath that was sharing with mine. his hands, my feets with his. our first kiss.

so there it was

it finally happened

everything was real

15.03.2014

I have seen the end before. but of a 438 Days story worthy make its absolutely worth to take the pen with my own hand and play the role of the own victime i self made. yes. we creat ourselfs and we got the power do destroy it, and every single feeling that used to be my absolutely sense to live every moment. yes.

i told my love i'll be there. i promised to be there and i promised myself to let it go. Myself.

he will be waiting for me. 

its funny when you already know the end.

and to be honest, i am a little bit afraid. he will see it in my eyes. well i will try to hide, but i know him, he is way much stronger than me. i guess it makes sense to fill up his treasure so at least one of us can win something. yes.

i can't wait to see the smile on his face.

i can't wait to give him all i have and turn back with nothing but the hope. i can't wait for a happy end.

1.3.2014

i'm sorry for everything i ever said i ever did. i just don't believe it could get any better anymore. i'm sorry for being so damn weak, i'm not like my mother, i'm weaker than my dad. i have been trying so hard and waiting for so long. but i do have a war on my mind and probably being a little insane, no, let's say innocent. i know you people like to judge, but all you know is my name, so stop calling me and pretending to be on my side. i might be hitting a pole and probably losing myself here in town. it's a beautiful night, i don't mind being away.

26.02.2014

You know, I have done so many mistakes in my life, and once you have done it, there is no way you can turn it back. I have hurt people i love, and i got hurt by people i love, i remember how i just didnt have any trust and understanding not even to myself. so yeah, i was the girl you would not see smiling much, not talking much, hiding myself and trying to escape of past but never leaving it. seriously, so many insecurity i got older and yes i have changed, i have good friends, and a lovely family, i do things i like, i get inspirations and motivation for life, i have great people around me with great beautiful minds. i am proud to say i have in all those years never tried being someone else i just opened my eyes with time, you know if i have ever token my own life i would have missed so many beautiful memories. i know life can be fucking sad, but you know all those happy memories in my life just make it all worth, i know i may be weak i cant change that, but i am trying, i am still trying and fighting, chasing after dreams and holding myself on hope and faith. i dont know why my words seems to be so empty, but maybe there is someone out there that can relate to me. well look, i am not gonna lie, i cant trust people, i am so scared of getting hurt, i am so scared one day i wont handle all the pain, i prayed so many times, god please take away this pain and fill me up with only love. but for some reason i will always have to care it with myself. i am trying to make it just a part of me and getting love that much as i can, filling myself with every kind of love i can get by myself. you know, finding someone i can hold to is such a risk, he will leave like everyone does someday. sooner or later, but i hope, i deeply hope i can stay on mind. i dont know why god chosed my life to be like this, i know i am not perfect but i am able to do everything for someone i love, everything. well, i am just writting this to tell how i changed compared to when i was younger, i smile a lot, i trust myself, and i even love myself, whenever i start not being happy with myself i just think about how i managed to get this far, where i have been and where i am now, i see myself as strong, i wish i could be stronger but still. i am still learning, still trying and i got this little life on balance now. i  dont know what happens tomorrow it could be anything that will just tear me apart, but i am trying, and hoping for the best.

18.02.2014

i barely have time anymore, i wake up when some of you guys go sleep, i rush to get my morning routine done, take my bus around 6 am. i am pushed by time, i gotta check time every 5 minutes and make sure im in time, man, and it flies and flies... i get home in the evening, get my dinner, get my shower and go sleep for a few hours. yeah, but i am kinda stressed, rushing all the time, even when i dream, i dream about me running around scared of being late, panic attacks, wake up every hour to check if my alarm is on.

oh well yes. my life is running, i feel like i got into a train and i am just traveling to a new place, well yeah it feels pretty good. i am dawn stressed but i feel so good. in the morning when i wake up the first thing i think about is, fuck! i wish i could get some more sleep, but then i change the way i think, i am like, you know what, its a new day, and a new chance to prove myself, i can! time is passing like that and i cant get enough days, than more days pass more proud i am, that i can keep it up like this. keep myself busy. i am working a lot, when i get home in the evening my body just feel tired as hell, but i feel healthy... also i changed the food i eat. i do have control. i remember how i was not eating really healthy for a good while, i was losing weight  and vitamine, i didnt eat really healthy because i didnt care. now i do, and somehow i notice some changing, i feel good. well, i was really depressed as fuck, i read some of my post months ago, i saw no hope for me, i was emotionally sick, mind fucked,  i been overhinking to every single shit that happens in my life, people you used to tell me, dont overthink, start thinking positive. but i didnt. i saw no possivity, i was just unhappy. i thought thinking positive would be just lying to myself that everything is good. i talked to a few people that actually have their life on top and live happy and positive, i thought they are just liars, they are blind, they force themself to think positive and cover their life with lies. yes i know it sounds silly. you know, i dont wanna say my life changed radical from a day to another no. i still ovethink, not most of the times cause i dont have the time to, i still see, feel some really sad things. i know what its life to feel pain, i still feel it. if i deeply think, i know what pain is like, and thats something permanent, i have allowed myself to go that deep and reach the peak of my life. but you know what, i have learned something, life is what you collect, i have been collecting all the time, and i forgot to collect the good. to collect some portion of possivity in my life. and hey, i am still young. i am still learning. i didnt know what to do with so many negativy, sadness, things that just push you down in life. you know, i may be young, but my past is really long, but you know what, this who i am now. i have collected lots. and right now i am learning how to change all the the nagativity with possitivity. i know its hard to believe, but everything is in your brain, is the way you think, what makes you also act and feel. i have allowed myself to feel pain, i am pretty sure i am in the best way to learn how to feel hapiness too, to allow myself and to start collecting. to change the bad way i think. to accept life just the way it is. i think thats the hardest part. but i am giving myself the chance to try and thats a good beginning. step by step. i am reading good books that helps me alot. you know negativity and depression is in your brain, and its like a cancer it grows as deeper you go. i want to stop making it grow. i am creating a fully new cancer... called hapiness. 

22.01.2014